queerness, christianity, a blessing for the young ones

07/13/2020

i like thinking about things a lot, so i figure i should try writing them down again.

being queer is a beautiful experience. through the last 15ish months that i've been out to myself i can tell a huge difference in my embodiment. by that i mean my level of connection, conversation with, and peace with my body. embodiment isn't necessarily body positivity, but it can include such.

i grew up in evangelical church so i remember always being mentally aware of my body as an object to be covered appropriately and treated as the source of our sin ("flesh" in most of our translations of paul these days).

but despite the teachings of i was never really taught anything specific about homosexuality/queerness/gender and if i had i think i would've probably come out to myself sooner.

this experience led to a very strong dissociation from my body most of my life and i kind of just let my body carry me around from place to place. i felt chronic pain, but that was essentially it. i was disembodied.

11/18/2020

i just rediscovered this draft of a blog post. I felt it'd be fitting to include those words, lightly edited, above. for those who are interested in how i identify, i am a non-binary, asexual, bi/pan-romantic person. i'm in a marriage with the love of my life. we classify it as a queer marriage, others who don't know better wouldn't. i use solely she/her pronouns right now, although i've used they/them pronouns in the past and wouldn't be surprised if i used them again at some point in the future.

i agree with my initial statement: being queer is beautiful. i continue to be more embodied, more self-aware, and more at peace with myself. i trust that the Spirit will guide me further into these things as i learn more about their ways and their love.

today someone on twitter asked the question, "would 17-year-old you be proud of the person you are today?" and it's given me quite a bit of space for introspection. my initial guess is that i'd be horrified, particularly because of the fact that i'm queer and because of the fact that i'm no longer dedicated to the evangelical stream of christianity i grew up in. however, i think i'd also be curious. i think that 17-year-old me would wonder at how 24-year-old me made it to the place i am today. i think that secretly, 17-year-old me would wish i had the confidence and freedom of 24-year-old me.

it'd be tough to explain how my life is better in some ways, and worse in some ways. 

being queer is also a nightmare. i walk around daily worrying i'll lose a friend or will be approached by someone about the "sin" that is causing me to "fall away from Christ." i fear for my community's safety and right to marry. i own my faith and i wouldn't trade it for anything. yet i still live in community with those who have resided in a religious bubble all their life. it is this community, the one that preaches with their mouth a gospel of love, that tries to tell me with the same mouth that my faith is incompatible with my body, my "flesh," my imago dei. being queer is a perilous experience.

i'm living testament to the mystery of Christ. i am beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made. I am loved, my soul knows it well. 

being queer is a journey. i haven't always held the theology i hold now, so i do my best to be patient with those who don't know any better. yet it is much, much harder to have the same patience with those who do know better. i haven't always been the best at loving myself as Christ loves me. yet i am growing in love. being queer is going to be a lifelong exploration.

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i owe a lot of my peace and comfort as a queer person to those who have come before me. now i give this blessing for the ones who come after me.

i pray you are encouraged, queer friend, as you walk on your own beautiful, perilous, lifelong journey. 

God says he is with you.

i pray 17-year-old you would be horrified, as i was, at how free you have broken from the shackles of a theology that does not come from the Father and is incompatible with the gospel.

God says you are loved.

i pray you find the courage to be yourself. you are not broken, damaged, or unforgivable. in fact, you are fearfully and wonderfully made.

God says you are very good.

i pray you find peace and forgiveness from even your past homophobic acts that you've committed against God's beloved. 

God says it is finished and you are forgiven entirely.

i pray you see the world with new eyes, examining each place where God resides and delights.

God says you are made new.

i pray you are enraptured by the beauty in the queer community all around you. the joy in their marriages, the glory in their souls.

God says you belong.

i bless you to also be a blessing. may you receive these words, may they comfort you, may they be a haven for you. and may you someday share your own words, comfort, and a safe haven with those around you.

you are so, so good, and so, so loved.

-m.