sit in tension; hold things loosely. I know who I am.
I am sitting on the floor of our not quite empty living room. we are in transition. selling off and donating our belongings, packing up the rest. there is much to be done in the next five days.
it seems to not be the time to consider these things that dance in my head, but I suppose that it's as good a time as any.
I have been thinking about my queerness. I suppose it might be especially good time to be thinking about this. See, we are packing up our life possessions and memories to move back to our home state. and this state contain countless friends and family members - people whom I was not out to before heading to this beautiful, magical, terribly lonely state of Seattle.
we've missed a lot of opportunities here in Seattle to build community, simply due to the fact of a global virus threatening the lives of us and all those we love; we wished we'd had more time.
I have been thinking about my queerness. see, I was hardly out to myself before leaving my home state. sure, I'd *known* back in high school that I just didn't have that many crushes. even the one I married was one crush of like, four, maybe? So clearly, I was never "boy crazy." I'd found myself confused at why sometimes I felt anxious around girls. see, a crush on one of them is different when you're never told what homosexuality is. you assume it's maybe envy or jealousy, or maybe you just like her hair.
there's a relief when I introspect about myself. Think Myers-Briggs or the Enneagram. finding labels that describe my experiences in life are so delightful to see.
I have been thinking about how clear it should have been to me. I'd never felt like a "woman." that word never felt comfortable. I loved looking at pinterest photos of androgyny years before I heard the word "nonbinary." I always loved my short hair. I discovered collared shirts and high neck sweaters, and it felt like home. the longer I've respected and listened to my body, the more I notice the dysphoria in my body when pressured to conform. I wore dresses and skirts as a child, but I've had my fair share for now.
my style's always been fluid and I don't mind at all, especially because I've committed to thrift most if not all of my clothes. I might even try my hand at sewing again someday.
I have been thinking about what coming home will be like. I hope to see old friends and to connect with new. but I do also fear the coffees I'll get invited to. the crushing conversations where my suspicions get confirmed - you think according to your beliefs that I shouldn't exist. that you think I've been "straying from the faith" or "living in sin." someday I may write on here about how I came to the belief system I hold and how I think it fits perfectly in the different faith system I hold, though we may read from the same book.
today isn't that day to argue my faith with you. today I'm simply sitting on the floor of our not quite empty living room, pondering these thoughts. today I'm holding things as loosely as I can.
I have been thinking about the ways non-confrontational people try to avoid telling me they think I'm sinning, according to their faith. usually it includes an amalgam of the words, "I'll always love you, no matter what you do." they miss the point. I say, "it's not about what I do here, but who I am. I used to not understand this too." consider, is it possible for them to change their sexuality from straight to gay, just like that? I don't imagine so. "It's not about what I do here, do you love who I am? all of me?"
I'm willing to be patient while you learn. but I will not lower myself to become more palatable to you. as a musician I deeply admire, whatuprg, says, "I'm not afraid to be free, I'm not afraid to be me."
I have been thinking about sin. I do not consider sin a part of me. that is something I do. when I ignore the racism of myself or of my friends, when I don't call it out, that is sin. when I accept prisons as the reality of life, and refusing to do justice by our brothers and sisters and siblings, that is sin. When I call anyone, anywhere, even those I deeply disagree with or don't like, garbage or unforgivable, that is sin. sin is when I miss the humanity and inherent value of those around me.
so I sit in tension with myself. I know my life is about to shift. maybe just a slight bend in the road, maybe tumbled upside down. we can only wait to see how these things come across our road. our best plans fail us, but God is for us and will see us through.
I will close with the words on my mind today that I wrote some time ago.
the cosmic mother is my friend.
She welcomes me in from an afternoon of play in her harvest fields
dusts off my grubby face and kisses me loudly all over
places a warm cup of soup in front of me
"eat up, love. you must be hungry!"
I am home here.
it seems to not be the time to consider these things that dance in my head, but I suppose that it's as good a time as any.
I have been thinking about my queerness. I suppose it might be especially good time to be thinking about this. See, we are packing up our life possessions and memories to move back to our home state. and this state contain countless friends and family members - people whom I was not out to before heading to this beautiful, magical, terribly lonely state of Seattle.
we've missed a lot of opportunities here in Seattle to build community, simply due to the fact of a global virus threatening the lives of us and all those we love; we wished we'd had more time.
I have been thinking about my queerness. see, I was hardly out to myself before leaving my home state. sure, I'd *known* back in high school that I just didn't have that many crushes. even the one I married was one crush of like, four, maybe? So clearly, I was never "boy crazy." I'd found myself confused at why sometimes I felt anxious around girls. see, a crush on one of them is different when you're never told what homosexuality is. you assume it's maybe envy or jealousy, or maybe you just like her hair.
there's a relief when I introspect about myself. Think Myers-Briggs or the Enneagram. finding labels that describe my experiences in life are so delightful to see.
I have been thinking about how clear it should have been to me. I'd never felt like a "woman." that word never felt comfortable. I loved looking at pinterest photos of androgyny years before I heard the word "nonbinary." I always loved my short hair. I discovered collared shirts and high neck sweaters, and it felt like home. the longer I've respected and listened to my body, the more I notice the dysphoria in my body when pressured to conform. I wore dresses and skirts as a child, but I've had my fair share for now.
my style's always been fluid and I don't mind at all, especially because I've committed to thrift most if not all of my clothes. I might even try my hand at sewing again someday.
I have been thinking about what coming home will be like. I hope to see old friends and to connect with new. but I do also fear the coffees I'll get invited to. the crushing conversations where my suspicions get confirmed - you think according to your beliefs that I shouldn't exist. that you think I've been "straying from the faith" or "living in sin." someday I may write on here about how I came to the belief system I hold and how I think it fits perfectly in the different faith system I hold, though we may read from the same book.
today isn't that day to argue my faith with you. today I'm simply sitting on the floor of our not quite empty living room, pondering these thoughts. today I'm holding things as loosely as I can.
I have been thinking about the ways non-confrontational people try to avoid telling me they think I'm sinning, according to their faith. usually it includes an amalgam of the words, "I'll always love you, no matter what you do." they miss the point. I say, "it's not about what I do here, but who I am. I used to not understand this too." consider, is it possible for them to change their sexuality from straight to gay, just like that? I don't imagine so. "It's not about what I do here, do you love who I am? all of me?"
I'm willing to be patient while you learn. but I will not lower myself to become more palatable to you. as a musician I deeply admire, whatuprg, says, "I'm not afraid to be free, I'm not afraid to be me."
I have been thinking about sin. I do not consider sin a part of me. that is something I do. when I ignore the racism of myself or of my friends, when I don't call it out, that is sin. when I accept prisons as the reality of life, and refusing to do justice by our brothers and sisters and siblings, that is sin. When I call anyone, anywhere, even those I deeply disagree with or don't like, garbage or unforgivable, that is sin. sin is when I miss the humanity and inherent value of those around me.
so I sit in tension with myself. I know my life is about to shift. maybe just a slight bend in the road, maybe tumbled upside down. we can only wait to see how these things come across our road. our best plans fail us, but God is for us and will see us through.
I will close with the words on my mind today that I wrote some time ago.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
the cosmic mother is my friend.
She welcomes me in from an afternoon of play in her harvest fields
dusts off my grubby face and kisses me loudly all over
places a warm cup of soup in front of me
"eat up, love. you must be hungry!"
I am home here.
Comments
Post a Comment