that twitter thread i wrote. might expound on it later

Insomnia induced thread: here’s some things I’ve learned as a result of my lived experience as a person with Mental Illness™️

(Please excuse any typos, and questions/clarifications are always welcome!)

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Context: I have had depression for about 5 years as of this summer. its strength has varied over those years but has been in my life in some capacity since May of 2015.

I’ve had PTSD since January of 2018. It was only officially diagnosed 2 months ago.

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(footnote: I’ve also dealt with social anxiety my whole life, but that combined with my sensory needs & other life details have led me to believe that it is not a mental illness, but rather that I may be autistic. I’m currently pursuing an evaluation for that.)

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Ok, so onto the lived experience:

Depression is a beast. It lives up to and exceeds its name. However it’s true strength can be obscured by many different things.

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I’ve had two major obstructions in my life to recognizing depression: a) not fitting the stereotype & b) Christians treating it as a spiritual problem and not an illness.

Also, no one ever told me about antidepressants until I was like 2+ years in.

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I remember first reading about what bloggers called “high-functioning” depression in college. While it’s not in the DSM-V, it helped me understand that I could be depressed and still appear “normal” to others. (e.g. me keeping up a 4.0 gpa but lonely & dying on the inside.)

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I have since experienced forms of depression that I kept hidden and forms that I couldn’t hide. I’ve had seasons where I wanted to fake it til I made it, others where I just wanted to sleep it away, and others where I was suicidal.

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A few depression experiences I have had include:
- The Mean Voice (intrusive thoughts)
- BIG imposter syndrome
- major loss of energy
- busywork to avoid the crushing weight
- crying often doesn’t relieve the feelings, sometimes It intensifies them
- feeling utterly alone

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Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Also a beast. There is a form called C-PTSD (C for Complex) that is not in the DSM-V that many practitioners believe should be. I was officially diagnosed with PTSD because I experienced a singular traumatic event that my brain failed to...

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integrate into my long term memory and pulls back up whenever something remotely scary happens (aka a trigger). C-PTSD is more of a lifetime of these traumatic experiences (though they may be smaller) that add up and create similar symptoms.

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I do have a single large traumatic event that my brain has failed to integrate, but I also have multiple ones that, while not as big, still reside in short term memory and can resurface again really quickly when I feel unsafe.

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Some of the experiences I’ve had with PTSD include:

- vivid memory of details of my traumatic experience (and secondary experiences)
- strong distrust of people, especially the ones causing or adjacent to my experience
- memory fog (can’t remember much of my childhood)

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- trouble feeling present in the real world or in my body (dissociation)
- anxiety attacks, shaking, emotional breakdowns
- selective mutism (can’t talk during aforementioned anxiety attacks)
- inability to think ahead to a future where I feel safe again

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Depression and PTSD combined create a super-beast of pain and fear.

- PTSD feels like my heart is broken and unfixable (Often trauma affects emotions the most)
- Depression feels like my brain is broken and unfixable

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- both distance me from feeling present in my body
- both impact my ability to concentrate, feel happy & whole, or take care of my daily needs

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What I want you to know:

- I can do some things with mental illness. I prefer to be asked if I want help than it be assumed. Yes, I’m sick. That doesn’t mean I can’t be a coherent & competent person.
- Please use the term Depression only to refer to the illness. more below

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- I’m not sinning by having a mental illness. Depression’s not a sin I can do or a lie from the devil. It’s just my brain chemicals not working right & I’m trying to survive it. Sometimes, the depression wins, & it sucks, but it’s OK. please use medical terms properly.

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- do not, under any circumstances, ask me if you can pray to heal my mental illnesses. If you must, pray on your own time, in your own head, when I’m not around, unless I clearly and specifically ask you otherwise. It’s dehumanizing to have that happen for 5 years running.

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- just because I am happy for 5 minutes, a day, a week, etc., does not mean I am “cured.” My medicine’s probably working for once.
- if I don’t trust you, don’t take it personally. I trust nearly no one. I’m sick and I don’t know who’s gonna try & play doctor today.

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- I’m not queer or nonbinary because of my mental illness. I’m embracing the identity that is the most safe, embodied, & holy identity I know. And!! It’s part of my healing process to accept my whole self. it’s vital to be in tune with my body to combat both illnesses.

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- some specific things trigger my traumatic memory that didn’t cause it. those include loud noises, church/religious events, and, particularly right now, homophobia. These all tie into a core traumatic lie: that I have to do/not do a certain thing to be loved & accepted.

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- last thought: support can sometimes be more exhausting than fighting alone on tough days. That is NOT a place I aim to stay in, but it is my current experience. Right now I know myself better than you do and I’m used to the pain.

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if you’re not already a certified Safe Person™️ before the depressive wave or the panic trigger hits, it’ll hurt more than help for you to try to push your way into some of the most awful moments of my life. Trust me, it’ll hurt both of us.

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If you truly want to support me in this season of mental illness, I would humbly suggest you find the people I lean on and offer to support THEM as they take care of me. My mental illness affects those around me and they need care too.

Thank you for reading!! 💛

END.