i had a breakthrough today.

i was waiting for the shower water to heat up tonight and i opened my phone to this photo of myself. this was taken in July 2019. looking at it, i was just struck by how pretty i am. that's not normal for me! i usually dislike my body/photos of my body and feel generally insecure.

but today, i was struck by how pretty i am and was inspired to go look at other photos of myself in my instagram archives. and while there, i was caught by this caption from the beginning of 2019. this part specifically:

"I was in the car talking with God and asking how I could stop feeling distant and stuck in my head. His response was this: 'you need to believe the truth about yourself when people say it to you.'"

that just blew my mind a little. the lightbulb went on. my new giving key necklace has the word "believe" engraved on it. if you're not familiar with the giving keys organization, the idea is you get a word to embrace for yourself. once you've embraced it, you pass the key on to someone else as a gift. so in this season of my life, i get to embrace the concept of believing - believing in myself, believing in God, believing in those around me when they speak the truth. and so rereading this, it all just clicked.

i can believe in myself. i can trust the decisions i make. i can just be happy (content) with my life and live each day like i used to, before the trauma. i don't have to erase the trauma or any of the difficulty of the past year, but i also don't have to erase the previous years of my life that were good either. i can have the personality i used to before the trauma. i can enjoy things again.

and friends, that was so life-bringing to realize. i know it sounds silly and like very elementary stuff, but it's foundational. and i'd lost that. i just needed it re-presented to me.

so here i sit, typing away on my computer while mitchell types up christmas letters on our typewriter. and i feel joy. simple as that. what a feeling.

if it's been a while since you felt joy, i just want to say i take courage, lovely one. it's been a long time since i felt like this. i would like to share a little with you here now, through the internet, if i can. you are beautiful and worthy of love, and you have good days ahead of you. it may be a breakthrough or it may be a little glimmer of sun in the dark sky. but you are so deserving of this joy.

this was a bit short and scattered, but i felt like sharing.
love to you, dear friends!