what to do when in constant transition

i can't remember ever feeling "settled." i always look to the future. some days it's genuinely because my life is in transition, but most days it's because i want to get out of my present situation in some way. right now i'm feeling that again with my work circumstances, despite it literally being a dream job - or at least a dream job for a version of me.

my trauma still haunts me in whispers these days.

what do you do when you chronically long for change? my current attempt at an antidote is the opposite of it - a rhythm. a ritual. finding daily or weekly things i can do that can ground me or refresh me. things like a good sleep schedule, a grounding mantra, a book club with friends. i think these things help pull me back to the reminder that life is always a cycle, and yet, always new.

some days i wonder if i have become my trauma, if i will ever escape.

of course, i still do my best to add spontaneity to my days. i might pull out the sewing machine or write a blog post like this one. knowing that i am free to create brings me joy and helps release tension. i always want to remember that creative, fun side of me that's become distant in the past couple years. they are doing their best.

this day is a chance to break the cycle.

i'll close by sharing a short poem with you. i wrote it last november as an ode to my antipsychotic medication. 

 

little round 

white disc

 

how you bring me

life. waking.

thoughts of life

little round 

white dot

somehow

you take

away

the demon

 

little round

white pill

how can

something

so small

bring so

much good?

thank you.

-m.